The Pros & Cons of Owning Pets Instead of Birthing Children

I felt ill today, but somehow managed to be more productive than usual on a Saturday. I woke up and immediately started to organize the house, which transformed into an overly thorough cleaning of the house, followed by progressively diminishing the laundry pile, putting away clean dishes, making more clean dishes to put away a second time, washing my car, working out quite rigorously, running a few quick errands, excavating my closet, taking my findings to Goodwill and walking Demetri the Gremlin.

He prompted this post. Well, him and his two siblings; whom, for the record, did nothing but lay around all day in the sun while I slaved…

For those who do not know, Demetri the Germlin is also known as D-meister, Yiddy Mac, Monkey, Salacious B. Crumb, Ewok, The Savage, My Littlest Man, The Overlanding Yorkie (Thanks, Overland Nomads!), PITA, and much more. He’s going on 12 years old, he has cataracts, a tendency to underestimate his own size and a growing intolerance for pretty much anything and anyone as he ages.

For everyone’s enjoyment, here he is… many times over.

No one really argues that he’s adorable. I practically waste an hour a day just staring at him and thinking he’s cute to myself…

And simultaneously, no one really argues that he’s bat shit insane.

No really… let me show you:

Don’t mess with me, his flossy toy, his food or anything within a two foot radius that has the potential of being his.

Heart of a Lion, I tell you.

In addition to Demetri, I also have two outrageously quirky cats – Sake and Katze. Sake is (quite literally) a Serial Killer who has been initiated into the neighborhood’s gang of Raccoons. She’s a Maine Coon pushing 18 lbs. and I’ve seen her swallow a rat whole. Everyone seems to love her despite that she would kill you in your sleep.

Katze, on the other hand, is a complete paranoid schizophrenic. At the same time that he’s purring like a helicopter and under the mercy of your scratching, he’ll attempt to tear you limb from limb – never ceasing the purrs. I found him in a dumpster when he was 5 weeks old. The streets never left him.

I’ve chosen to deal with insane animals rather than children. Although most days the pros outweigh the cons, sometimes, I find it thoroughly entertaining to compare the two…

The Pros of Owning Pets Instead of Birthing Children
- No homework, but better yet, no college tuition
- They always want to cuddle (even when they’re old)
- They consider your cooking to be superb at all times
- A car ride is the day’s highlight
- There’s no screaming, no crying and no use of the word “no”
- It’s publicly acceptable to put them on leashes
- They listen to commands (yes, even my cat’s can sit on command)
- You can watch R-Rated movies when they’re in the room
- They can be left unsupervised (most of the time)

The Cons of Owning Pets Instead of Birthing Children
- No free child labor
- There’s only one-way conversations
- They tend to hump house guests
- You have to pick up their poop forever
- They’re dirty all the time
- They follow you around… Wait! This is a con for both pets and children…
- They can’t outlive you :(