Conversations with Men

My dad told me that I should have been an actress. Not necessarily because I’m a great actress, but apparently, I have a tendency to over-dramatize things for my own amusement. Sometimes it’s to shock people, sometimes it’s to keep people out of my personal space, sometimes I simply lack a censor and sometimes it’s because I’m bored out of my mind.

In college, I used to keep a diary of weird things I’d say at fraternity parties or in a bar because I thought at one point I could use this as dialogue in my novel [which I'm supposed to finish before I'm thirty]. I reread some excerpts over the weekend and I think it’s time to share them.

If you think these are false – find someone who’s spent time with me at a bar (or anywhere). I assure you, (even sober) I’ve been known to do some bizarre things…

DISCLAIMER: I strive to never make fun of someone. I find that to be cruel. My strategy is to breach the realm of uncomfortable. It’s never negatively addressed towards the other person, so, please, don’t get upset by these – no one went away crying. They went away confused. However, if you are offended, don’t read them. It’s a win-win.

Conversations with Men

Man: “Hello there, my name is [blank]. What’s yours?”
Me: “Rebecca.”
Man: “Great name!”
Me: “Not really – I hate it.”
Man: “Oh. Why’s that? …I think it’s pretty.”
Me: [Death stare] “Rebecca is the name of a prostitute in the bible. That’s why the church rejected my application for the nunnery. Goddammit. Why does everyone have to bring that up??”

Man: “Hello, beautiful.”
Me: [Look over my shoulder at my friend next to me] “Seriously?? Right in front of me?? I’m not going to pass your bullshit pickup lines back and forth with some slut.”

Man: “I saw you from across the room –”
Me: [Interrupt] “Are you calling me fat?”
Man: “Uhh… no, I just needed to…”
Me: “You just needed to what? Feel better about yourself?? I swear to god, my mother was right, every single one of you are looking for .. I’m not fat!!” [Walk away]

Man: “Nice shoes…”
Me: “Ohh… thank you.”
Man: “Wanna fuck?”
Me: “Want herpes?”
Man: [blank stare]
Me: “…yep, the same answer you just had pop into your head is also my response to your question. Have a good night.”

Man: “Have you been here before? You look familiar.”
Me: “REALLY? You’re so sweet. No one’s recognized me yet.”
Man: “Well… how could I not! I just can’t remember where I’ve seen you in before…”
Me: “The news.” [giggle]
Man: “The news… hmm… are you an anchor?”
Me: “Nope.”
Man: “Did you save a cat from a tree?!? Ha.”
Me: “Nooooo…”
Man: “Ha, okay, I’ve had a few drinks, I just can’t place it…”
Me: “I was convicted of murder, but I plead insanity and I’m out on probation. My doctor said it’s a phase.”
Man: “Haha.. You’re funny.”
Me: “Danny didn’t think it was funny.” [bring out a picture of my brother] “That’s why I had to kill him… he never thought anything was funny. I’m sorry – you don’t need me dumping this on you. It’s just, I should have gotten a divorce instead.”

Man: “Your glass looks empty – can I get you a refill?”
Me: “No thank you. I’m an alcoholic.”
Man: “Ha – what are you doing in a bar?”
Me: “I’m a masochist.”
Man: “A what?”
Me: “A masochist – someone that likes pain. Trust me, I’m a bag of crazy. I’m also obsessive compulsive and bipolar – you don’t want to talk to me. Wait – unless you do? [smile] Then, I should start over… I’m Sandy, what’s your name? WAIT, I’m sorry – I lied. I don’t want to lie. I’m a pathological liar. My real name’s Stephanie, but I just like Sandy so much better. It sounds sexier, don’t you think? Do you want a big wedding or a small wedding? I think we should get married on the beach. How many kids do you want?” [I think I kept going, but I may have started laughing in the midst of this]

Man: “Hey there – are you here by yourself?”
Me: [Almost yelling] “What are you implying?”
Man: “No no – chill… I just meant that I was surprised to see a lovely lady such as yourself alone at a bar.”
Me: “I am alone, but I can’t figure out whyyyyyy…” [start crying]

Man: [Start dancing up on you]
Me: [Bust out the best moves of the 80s/90s - segments of Thriller, the Sprinkler, the Carlton, and Night at the Roxbury body humping]

Man: “This party’s so lame.”
Me: “Your mom.”
Man: “What?”
Me: “I said your mom’s so lame.”
Man: “Uhh…”

Man: “Excuse me…”
Me: [Don't move] “For being gorgeous? No way, sailor boy. My gbff would goggle you up… come with me, handsome!!”

Man: “Great music, don’t you think?”
Me: “Meh. I’ve had better.”
Man: “Who’s your favorite artist?”
Me: “Rembrandt.”
Man: “No… I meant musical artist.”
Me: [Harnessing my inner-emo] “I hate music.”
Man: “No one hates music!”
Me: “Listen, Helen Keller – I just said I hate music. So, there’s a tally mark for your ‘no one hates music’ list.”
Man: “Then why are you even here?”
Me: “I love people.”

Man: “Hey.”
Me: “Hay is for horses…” [slap my knee]
Man: “Haven’t heard that one before!”
Me: “We’ve met before??”
Man: “No, I said – I haven’t heard that one before.”
Me: “You don’t look familiar though.”
Man: “I didn’t say that.”
Me: “I did.”
Man: [Blank stare]
Me: “Is this too complicated for you? Because this is how it will always be. Run along.”

Man: “Is this seat taken?”
Me: “Not yet.” [comical wink]
Man: “Mind if I take a seat?”
Me: “Not at all… but my boyfriend might.”
Man: “Oh, I’m sorry -”
Me: “No, it’s okay. Take a seat. I want to piss him off.”
Man: “That’s crazy. I’m not getting in the middle of anything…” [starts to walk away]
Me: “No no, please… come back!! I need this!!”

Man: “Where are you from?”
Me: “I live on Surprise Sex Alley – in the Dogpatch.”
Man: “Surprise what?”
Me: “You heard me.” [wink]

What conversations have YOU had (with men or women)?